Morbius review – 2005 called and it wants its superhero movie back

Let me preface this review with a request: whatever you do this weekend, don't go and see Morbius. Really. I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that doing anything else – anything else – will be a better use of your time. Even if you're set on making up your own mind, ignore the impulse. See True Things instead. Watch the re-release of Cries and Whispers. Because in 2022, there is absolutely no reason for anybody to sit through Sony's newest Spider-Man spin-off, a superhero film so devoid of inspiration, wit and subversion that it registers only slightly more than having stared at nothing for 104 minutes straight.

Jared Leto stars as the always funny to hear said out loud “Dr. Michael Morbius,” a genius with a blood disorder that restricts his mobility and will significantly shorten his lifespan. After winning the Nobel prize (and refusing to collect it – what is he like?), Morbius makes an experimental breakthrough when he fuses his own blood with that of a vampire bat. The reaction gives him super strength and the power of flight, but at a cost: he wants to drink human blood.

The casting of Leto in this role seemed to suggest we were in store for a scenery-chewing showcase to match his wild turn in House of Gucci – something to, at the very least, provide the ammo for a few good memes. Actually, he somehow makes inhabiting half-man, half-bat entirely boring, switching between soulful stares and terrible-looking CG snarling to little effect. Matt Smith, meanwhile, plays opposite as Morbius' best friend, Milo, also inflicted with the same blood disorder and later the same experimental procedure, though of course he goes “full evil.” It's a performance that, though fun in spurts, lacks the depth to make us care.

Acting aside, the biggest issue is that Morbius is fundamentally unengaging in every conceivable way. It does, thankfully, bucks the modern superhero movie trend and skimps on multiverse and time travel elements (unless you count the way it feels shipped in from 2005), but the script is worse than generic, offering the most basic template of this kind of movie with no attempt to make something even remotely fresh. The only way to watch Morbius is to simply sit in a stupor and wait for it be over (and I won't get started on the frankly insulting post-credits scenes, which give new meaning to the phrase “tossed off”).

Say what you will about the overdone Marvel Cinematic Universe formula, with its endless quipping, excessive CG action, and relentless overlapping, but Morbius is flat enough to make you miss what those films offer for the same ticket price. You feel nothing while watching Morbius, save for a sense of regret, of having been played – yet again – by a major corporation. There are no jokes, few action sequences discernible to the human eye, all having been shot through an endless CGI murk. Let Martin Scorsese witness Morbius. Let him see how far the superhero movie can truly fall. Maybe he'd even apologise for those theme park remarks.

There are a couple of saving graces. Firstly, Morpheus is 104 minutes long, a rare feat for any comic book movie in this day and age. The studio, at the very least, seems to understand that brevity is necessary in delivering such a lifeless product. Best of all, not long until we'll be free of that trailer – played everywhere, endlessly, for months on end – forever. Freedom! Until the next one. Do your part and make a sequel less likely by swerving this monster entirely.

Morpheus is released in UK cinemas on 31 March.