Artemis Fowl review – mind-numbingly incoherent YA fail

Full disclosure: Artemis Fowl, like Percy Jackson or Alex Rider, is just another YA character of whom I'm vaguely aware but in no way knowledgeable. So while there had already been a degree of backlash regarding the supposed mistreatment of Eoin Colfer's source material prior to the release of Kenneth Branagh's new film adaptation, I went into Artemis Fowl, now available exclusively on Disney's own streaming service, without prejudice.

Yet it turns out no amount of open-mindedness can save a viewing experience as mind-numbing and soul-crushing as this. The film the usually reliable Branagh has “directed” here – as though from his home, over a monitor – is a truly incomprehensible and limply realised mess – a picture that feels designed by a YA movie generator with its algorithm stuck in the year 2005.

Bafflingly, Artemis Fowl cost $125 million dollars to produce, an amount that seems particularly blasphemous when you consider all the better ways such huge quantities of money could be spent in the current climate. The fact it won't even attempt to recuperate its budget in cinemas makes its existence seem even more pointless.

To explain the story would prove difficult for even the most enthusiast of puzzle solvers, but here goes: Artemis Fowl (a bland, one-note performance from newcomer Ferdia Shaw) is the son of older Artemis Fowl (Colin Farrell, slumming it), who both belong to a rich and famous family with a shady reputation and a well-documented obsession for ancient trinkets and artefacts.

When Fowl Senior goes missing, it's left to Fowl Jr. to solve the mystery of his dad's disappearance. In the process (and here's where it gets very YA-y), he discovers that fairies, dwarves, and a myriad of other mythical creatures actually exist, albeit within hidden societies. Things begin to spiral as a war between the fairies and humans is triggered by long kept secrets, resulting in a hostage situation masterminded by Artemis himself.

The rest is basically unintelligible gobbledygook, while an endless stream of mistakes made at every level of production make it impossible to care. Shaw plays Fowl not like the smart and slick anti-hero we're supposed to view him as, but as a borderline sociopath with zero charisma. He's totally unlikeable, and Branagh makes no effort to endear the character to us at any point. Josh Gad, appearing here as a wisecracking dwarf, is arguably the film's one bright spot, but even that spot is mostly dimmed – and something really must have gone wrong if Josh Gad is the best thing about your movie.

It's yet another YA effort based around a pointless MacGuffin backed by swirling special effects – anonymously shot and scored with an indifference that feels like an insult. The script is awful and almost entirely expositional, peppered with lines like “Time freeze capsules… release!” We glimpse fantastical worlds, but for the most part the cast are house-bound – a YA blockbuster that's oddly fixed to a single location. After twenty minutes you have checked out, as the realisation of a further seventy is enough to induce a mild panic over one's inevitable mortality. By the end nothing even feels to have happened.

What most people will be talking about, of course (for there is so little else to talk about), is the appearance of Judi Dench, who – after her extraordinary turn as a matriarch feline in Tom Hooper's Cats – continues her weird run of ill-judged prosthetic, CG-altered performances. Here, dressed in emerald green with fake pointy ears and playing a character named “Commander Root,” she delivers lines in a gruff, smoker's voice. Apparently the accent is Irish.

If movies were made by cereal companies and given away in boxes, Artemis Fowl would be the first in line. For a non-fan, this film is a vision of the most diluted blockbuster blandness. But I can't imagine how betrayed and disappointed somebody with a real passion for Artemis Fowl will feel watching the incoherence on display. If a film – any film – should bestow something on its audience – a memory, a feeling, a kernel of knowledge – Artemis Fowl's only gift is that it imbues you with a deeper understanding of time's preciousness. It reminds you that every moment counts – that even an hour and a half is something to be treasured. The less time spent on trash like this, the more life seems worth living.

Artemis Fowl is now streaming on Disney+.